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Kennedy

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I’m ready for this year to end. I’m feeling pretty frustrated and hopeless at the moment. This isn’t where I thought I’d be at 32. Not by a long shot. And I know I haven’t been around much lately but I just needed somewhere to get my thoughts out. And I do miss you guys.

I’m smart, driven, educated, and hardworking. I should be excelling in my career right now. Instead I’m working three shitty part time jobs and still turking and poshing on the side. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and it’s soul crushing. I’m barely staying afloat, but more than that, this isn’t what I thought I’d be doing at this age, what I should be doing. I’m still drowning in medical bills and student loans. Part of this is definitely on me, but part of this is due to other considerations (mainly health problems), and that’s the part that’s maddening. I just feel like I’m at a breaking point. I don’t want to be doing this shit anymore. I’ve tried to apply for several museum jobs that I can do (local, remote), but have only received rejection letters (nice ones at least). So, that’s lovely for the self esteem.

I’m still doing terribly mentally and physically as well. Even though I’ve been trying. I’m tired of constantly being in pain and being limited. I’m tired of trying doctor after doctor, treatment after treatment, and nothing working. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like I’ve done as much as I can do, yet nothing has helped. Needless to say this hasn’t helped my existing issues with depression and anxiety.

And I know comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s virtually impossible to compare yourself to others. I feel like I’m way behind. I’m single, I don’t own a home, I don’t have a baby, I’m not kicking ass in my career. I’m not saying I want or need all those things, but it makes me feel the current state of my life is a failure.

I’ve also lost several people very important to me this year. And that’s hard. I’m tired of opening up to people and letting them in only for it to blow up in my face. It’s already hard enough for me to do that in the first place. I’ve tried to do better about how I react to things, but it’s hard. Sometimes I feel like it’s just not worth caring. But I can’t help caring. And I do miss those people very much.

I tend to stuff everything inside until nothing else fits and it all comes pouring out (i.e. this). I hate complaining and would rather just keep it in. I’ve just been so busy I feel like I haven’t had time to think or process anything. I actually prefer that though, cause when I have time to think, I can’t stop thinking and overthinking.

I appreciate anyone who read this meandering mess. I just feel stuck even though I’ve been working very hard this year. I feel like I’m failing in every aspect of my life and I’m not used to failing. I’m probably overreacting as usual, but everyone deserves a mini breakdown now and then.

I do miss you guys. I’ve been away from the forum mainly due to being incredibly busy IRL. I’ve also been spending more time out in the world, away from the internet, which has been one of the few positives. I’ve been doing things I love again, which is nice. That and reconnecting with several friends. Otherwise, this year can suck a dick. Rant over.
I'm so sorry everything is overwhelming lately. I'm glad you are venturing out IRL more, as the internet itself seems to breed depression.
I always tell myself everything is temporary and (sometimes) that helps me to get through the tough times. It's a good thing you are venting and know that we are listening and are here for you as best we can be. *hugs*
 

Kennedy

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My mom's health is failing fast. And the doctors aren't being helpful. We still don't have the biopsy results and a direction on whether chemo or hospice. She does have an appointment tomorrow and my aunt is taking her. She is going to ask about nursing facility as my mother can not live alone much longer. I have to work full time and the FMLA papers are going to the doctor tomorrow, so I'm probably up to two weeks out from that taking effect. My aunt lives out of town, and there is virtually no one else to help.
We discovered she had a mass in her lung in September, and here is is November and I am unsure if she will live to Christmas or even Thanksgiving.
I don't cry often, but have had a couple of breakdowns over this and the stress of finding her care, dealing with funeral arrangements, and getting my step brother on board to determine how this works with dividing the assets (going to be 50/50, but still it's a process).
I am ready for her to be at peace and out of pain. I am ready for 2020.
 

jan

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can you take family/medical leave?
I know you just went back to work, but you might be able to work out something with your sister (it's your sister, right?) - even based on what will happen eventually, with the estate.

Sending lots of well wishes and love❤
 
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Kennedy

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can you take family/medical leave?
I know you just went back to work, but you might be able to work out something with your sister (it's your sister, right?) - even based on what will happen eventually, with the estate.

Sending lots of well wishes and love❤
I am trying to get some FMLA right now, but it's a process that takes time. I should have started it before but wasn't aware she was so bad. I only have a stepbrother and he doesn't want to talk about the estate or anything yet. He isn't wanting to believe she will die soon.
thank you so much ❤
 

ducky

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