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Blue

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edit: I wish I could blame this post on DrunkJaded but I haven't even started drinking yet.
I think its really hard to get to know anyone, honestly. There is always a kabuki theater that happens... physical pantomime and a lexicon of shared language etc... it isn't necessarily a dishonest thing, it can be an entirely honest "who i am in this moment" sort of kabuki... but it isn't a whole representation of a person, its only a partial representation of that person filled to the brim with uncommunicated or poorly communicated symbolic substitutions of internal dialogues. That representation gets shaped with who we want to be, who we think others want us to be, our insecurities, and the secrets we don't want to share... then you take all that and you put it through the filter of an entirely different and separate entity... another person... and that entity interprets all that input and creates an idea of the person they are with in that moment. Over time some of those interpretations get crystalized into a definition of that person... and others remain mutable. But the truth is people are dynamic... they are always changing... and the definition we've created for a person isn't accurate beyond the expectations we try to hold them to. The gulf between my "self" and your "self" is so vast and so incomprehensibly deep... it takes a lifetime of committed mutual self and shared exploration to bridge even a fraction of that distance. And yet the most unfathomably cold reality is physics tells us our atoms might all be star stuff... but they can never actually meet and touch... or mix.

What I'm getting at is it isn't your fault... it isn't his fault... you probably both made mistakes, told lies, failed to meet each others expectations, and invested time money and effort in each other... so you don't need to resent him or be angry at him, you can just let it go... but you are you... you are a whole being... uncorrupted by the past... hurtling through space at impossible speeds... you ARE going somewhere... we are all going there with you on this crazy fucking space rock. No need to worry about the destination... its all entropy... just concern yourself with the inflight movie and meal. You've got a chance to cleanse the palette and make another go of things. And thats great... because your last go at it went sour and needed to be tossed in the rubbish bin. Congratulations! Our next in flight feature is Jaded, famous author... so start writing.

Edit: I just got a text message telling me I'm fucking terrible at comforting people... so I apologize if that made you feel worse.
 
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Kennedy

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This last week was rough. I was on strike, which still hasn't ended. Saturday I was at the ER all afternoon with my mother because she hit a tree that fell in the road and crashed into a small ravine. She is fine, banged up but fine. The problem was while doing a CT scan they discovered probable lung cancer. I am a resilient person, but it's a little much right now.
 

themildone

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I have been a long time turker and I apologize for not contributing to the forum. Whomever is reading this know that I count on each and every one of you to make a human connection.

When I first started lurking here someone had posted their phone number in case someone really needed help and I can't seem to find it. If you are reading this can you please contact me.
sending you a PM
 
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Binxybaby

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I feel burnt out. I can't afford to take a day off from work. I have to wait 6 months to get PTO or Sick time. That kicks in on the 20th of this month. I already have time off put in to celebrate my birthday at the end of this month, that can't come soon enough. I feel overworked and I'm shutting down bc there's so much to do at work that it never feels like its gonna get done. Im doing work on projects that I don't morally agree with, people who are already giving me issues with communication and we just took them on as clients. It feels like a waste of time. I just want to be home and my bed, I would love a full day to just sleep and do nothing else.
 

Binxybaby

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Im so sorry you are going through that. You are such an amazing person. You dont deserve to have to take care of someone like that. Addiction is a destroyer of so many things. *Hugs*
 

themildone

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I feel burnt out. I can't afford to take a day off from work. I have to wait 6 months to get PTO or Sick time. That kicks in on the 20th of this month. I already have time off put in to celebrate my birthday at the end of this month, that can't come soon enough. I feel overworked and I'm shutting down bc there's so much to do at work that it never feels like its gonna get done. Im doing work on projects that I don't morally agree with, people who are already giving me issues with communication and we just took them on as clients. It feels like a waste of time. I just want to be home and my bed, I would love a full day to just sleep and do nothing else.
that sounds awful :( I'm sorry you're feeling so burnt out. I have zero advice, just commiseration
Im so sorry you are going through that. You are such an amazing person. You dont deserve to have to take care of someone like that. Addiction is a destroyer of so many things. *Hugs*
Thanks. It really is :( We're still living apart, but he's going to chemical dependency (not AA) groups twice a week and has a sponsor. I told him if he keeps it up for at least two months we'll see about maybe dating (still living apart though).
 
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savvy

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Thanks. It really is :( We're still living apart, but he's going to chemical dependency (not AA) groups twice a week and has a sponsor. I told him if he keeps it up for at least two months we'll see about maybe dating (still living apart though).
thats smart girl, glad you have a plan and ideas. you can give chances but protect yourself in the process *hugs*