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Discussion in 'Social Discussion' started by Eetha, Jan 12, 2016.
why do we do it
i'm feeling okay today but i remembered about this vine that always gives me some kind of comfort when i need it https://vine.co/v/ibJLzhbYHwA
this one always makes me laugh like a loon
seriously this is me.
I'm in a decent place right now, but keep riding the line of fucking everything up. This isn't normal for me, actually, but I now have baggage I can't unload and want to fuck things up before they fuck me up.
I'm having a bad week. I kept telling my husband that I felt it coming, and that life just felt like being in the eye of a hurricane. Everything in our lives between the two of us is great. We're fine and happy and things are getting better financially and healthwise, but everything around us is total chaos. We've had so many deaths this year, so many big issues in our friends lives and our families lives. This weekend we had a small argument (if you can even call it that) with a friend where everyone's feelings got hurt, and it's like that little thing opened up the floodgates. I can't concentrate on anything. I've done literally nothing productive all week. I come and sit at my computer and stare at the screen and get nothing done, on MTurk or otherwise, and it just blows. I can't concentrate. Earlier in the year my husband's mother did something really shitty to him and they haven't spoken since. I got over it as much as a person can get over a thing like that, she's not my mom, and when people hurt me it's fairly easy for me to cut them out, but he's hurting. Yesterday we were talking and he was telling me he was sorry that I felt so awful right now. When I told him it was okay because it will get better (it will, it always does, it just takes some time and I'm incredibly grateful to be at a point in my life where I know things aren't going to always feel this way) and he asked me if he would ever feel like things would get better. He is the sweetest human I've ever met. He's the kind of man that you go "wow, if I knew my kid would turn out like that, I'd have one" and that evil selfish creature that birthed him broke his heart. When he said that to me, "will I ever feel like it's going to go away?" I don't have words for the feeling that gave me. I guess like a hurricane of emotions. I feel useless because I'm just so fucking sad for no real big reason, and so angry at her for being so stupid and evil, and sad for her that she's turned her back on on the only good thing she ever did in her life, and so sad that I can't take his hurt away. I just wish I lived in a reality where I could literally walk out the door for a week or two and go somewhere that time doesn't exist. I've got shit to do, I don't have the time to sit around until I feel better. I know you all understand that feeling. It's just so hard sometimes to tell that little voice in your head that keeps telling you that you'll never feel okay again to shut up so you can do the dishes and get your Christmas shopping done. And I know it's not "This is the bad week and next week I'll be fine" but most of the time lately I've felt like my depression, or whatever you want to call it, was like a gibbering monkey walking next to me, and right now it feels like a trumpeting elephant sitting on my shoulders. It's exhausting and even if I know it will get better, I'm just so tired. Oh, and my insomnia is back and no amount of pot or sleep aids can fix it. So, there's that, too.
Sorry this is long. Sorry if it is kind of incoherent, I know what I mean but Idk if I got anything across clearly. I appreciate all of you guys in here. I'm grateful to have a place to be like "LIFE SUCKS!" and know you all understand the feeling genuinely.
lady did not seem pleased that I had no housekeeping experience. She has 6 more interviews today so my Hope's are real low. When I told MIL I might have to go to Mobile for a day training thing she did the suck air through her teeth "I'm not doing whatever you just said" noise and said that's gonna be a problem.
God, I just need a job.
hey look, it's me
So, I don't really pray but, I'd feel like an asshole if I didn't do everything I can. So, if you do pray, and have space on your prayer rotor, say a small one for my brother, who's in hospital at the moment and having emergency surgery in the morning. That would be awesome. I'd pay you but, I think these things are handled with a, sort of, 'karmic commerce' that has it's own checks and balances and, I don't know if I have an account.
Anyway, here's wishing that my brother, Josh, has good doctors. Both physical and psychiatric.
Any denominations and beliefs welcome.
A little bit of "my story"
Spoiler: Me---long read
We are all different and we all handle things differently. What works for some doesn't work for others so please don't think I am saying do this and it works. I am a bit hesitant to tell "my story" because I don't want people to think what I did works for everyone. But figured why not. I grew up in East Tennesse my bio father was the vice president of a university so money was never really an issue for him but he didn't share. He saved it all. No cars for birthdays, no outlandish vacations (we went camping in a tent). We didn't hurt for anything but we weren't spoiled by any means at all. I have flashbacks of not some pleasant things that happend with him when I was younger but my memory on that is foggy so I leave it at foggy. Married at 17 (wasn't pregnant) my parents got divorced when I was 16 (mom had an affair) I was so mad at her I lived with my dad who told me I had to move when I graduated high school. Uh hello I am 17 and can't sign a lease so I got married to my boyfriend. He wasn't very nice at all but I needed a roof. Ended up getting pregnant about 2 months after the marriage. Once the baby came I decided I had to get out I didn't want her growing up in that so I moved back to Tennessee (forgot we moved to Indiana when I was in high school part). I couldn't find a decent job and ran out of money so after a few months back to Indiana I went. I moved in with my mom got a job at a bowling alley was failing at life in everyway. I was 18, married and divorce, had a baby and living with my mom. Not long after I moved back I met my husband. He did construction, no education, grew up in a poverty stricken household, his father raised him since his mother took off when he was 5. We got married right after I turned 20 and got pregnant soon after. Then life got really real, the husband was mentally abusive, never physically but my gosh the mental was horrible. But I stayed and took it and thought I could "fix" him all the while I was on medication after medication because I was convinced it was me and I was broken. Medication didn't help, so therapy next, years and years of this. Back and forth and how I was crazy and blah blah blah. The babies kept coming the money was less and less. I stood in line at food pantries, was evicted over and over again. My husband worked hard but no education so no money. We fought, he would move out, he would beg, I would take him back, we would have a baby, etc etc. He finally decided to get his CDL and I was so glad he would be gone. I hated him and how he made me feel and I hated me for allowing him to make me feel that way. After a few years of him home a couple times a month the resentment of raising 5 kids alone was too much to bear. The therapist the medications the I am broken what the hell happend. I was a strong determined person. I worked, I raised kids, kept the house up, kept the bills up, put myself through law school, I wasn't broken I was brainwashed. On August 25th of 2008 I snapped and I snapped bad. Yes I remember the date, my life changed. I don't know what happend, I don't know what did it but I changed my path myself. Not a pill or a therapist or anyone else. I was miserable, I. So I had to fix it or I knew I would die. My husband was working in racing by this time, he was making decent money I was moving up in my job, the kids were growing up. He came home and started berating me about his lost hat as silly as that sounds. I snapped. Everything I ever wanted to say I said. He stood there in total disbelief. I didn't know how he would responsd I didn't know what I was even doing, I just knew I was done being broke, I was done feeling small. I wasn't broken I was just done. My pity party ended right then and there. Now I am nothing special but I thought I was a good mom and a damn good wife from that day forward my world was new. I stopped being that girl that allowed myself to be treated like crap. My husband saw a whole new person that I don't think he really liked me much at first but honestly I didn't care. That girl so medicated and so sick of therapy was gone. I got rid of her. I now own a farm and a ton of land, I dont' worry about money because I was determined to make it. I work alot, I turk as well (why not make some extra) my husband works alot but I am in a good place. I don't speak to my family at all, I know there is alot more to those foggy memories so I stay away from them. They also hate that I choose a life where I relied on no one but myself. I guess my story is that we are what we make ourselves be. My life is far from perfect but I choose my path. I guess all I am trying to say it our minds and determination are stronger then we give them credit for. It's all about how much you have. I didn't want to be crazy, I didn't want to fight and take meds and see doctors. I just wanted to be happy, so I chose it. I still have bad days, life has thrown alot at me the last few years but its how we react to bad situations. My sob story is not a success story, we can all be that success if we believe in ourselves. I believe you can all be whatever you want. I believe you are stronger in mind than you think. I believe life can be good and fun and easy. I believe deep down in all of us is something far greater, we just have to dig deep and find it.
Me, to me:
edit: None of it's all that bad in the grand scheme of things. Kinda being dramatic again,
I feel mad at myself for letting my husband see the toxic mordor hellscape of my brain too often and then apologizing too much afterwards... there's no good way to come back from that.
I think I've cried more about money in the past two weeks than I have ever. It really sucks not getting child support for my kids. I hate complaining about it because I know some women never get any. My oldest sons dad is horrible about paying, but the younger ones was very reliable about it until 2 months ago. The holidays are super sucky without that money and I feel bad about asking my boyfriend for more money all the time. Our bills are paid and we're fed, so we're all good, but Hannukah started last night and I don't even have all the kids gifts yet.
You can do it My oldest's daddy only paid a few hundred over his life (He's 18 now....) and I don't go after it for my younger kids (b/c of reasons I'm not getting into on this board. )
You'll make it, it'll be rough and scary, but you're tougher
Thank you My oldests dad is similar, he as a child support warrant out for him more than not. Like I said, I feel bad complaining but I also hate feeling like I'm the only one doing a damn thing for these boys. We don't do Santa either, so they know everything comes directly from me, it just sucks I can't give them everything I'd like to I guess.
We don't either
Trust me, the magic isn't ruined, and they still enjoy themselves
I'm loving these
things I"ve seen popping up recently.
Same. This is the most accurate for me so far. I sent it to my bff and he said he spit his soda out.