Hi folks!
I type this with a heavy heart because I've been involved with the forum in some way for over 3 years now, but the mental stress I've been suffering from these past two months has put me in a really bad spot and I need to minimize what I'm doing before I hurt myself, mentally or not. So for anyone that doesn't feel like reading a long post, here's the tl;dr: I'm stepping away from the forum entirely and I'm 100% confident I won't be coming back.
I want to say before anything else that there's no drama behind the scenes everyone is missing out on or anything; this is my own decision. It was an honor to help this forum in some way and I'm really glad to see that its now in the best shape its been in for a long time. But I've been dealing heavily with imposter syndrome because I have felt no sense of belonging ever since the Admin banner was given to me. While it was needed for some things, I've never been closely involved with any of the staff except aveline. I've always felt like the odd one of the bunch because we never speak, and its been taking a toll on me.
When the whole transfer of ownership issue popped up, the staff was in a very tough spot. None of them had the opportunity to be involved with the technical side of the forum, even if they wanted to be, and it was hurting the future of the forum. I'm very convinced the previous maintainer did not have confidence in the ability of a female to handle these things, which has also bothered me greatly, but I'm leaving that there. I don't want to be too prideful in myself, but the biggest thing I have ever accomplished for this forum was getting everything passed to me. I got the ball rolling in our direction and now the people who need full access to the forum have it.
The nitty gritty of the forum was an absolute mess. We inherited an over-engineered setup that was only serving to make it a pain to ensure this forum stayed around. Truthfully, I walked into this situation with the expectation that the infrastructure was dead simple and wouldn't be stressful to mess around with. I was wrong. I had absolutely no idea what I needed to do to get us back on track. That's why a maintenance expected to last an hour extended to 3 full days of down time. The impostor syndrome was the worst it has ever been for me. I brought the forum down with my own doing and I didn't know how to bring it back. Someone else had to be brought in to fix it, and it turns out it was really simple. I was honestly crushed and extremely embarrased. I made the forum lose members for no good reason and the staff had everyone convinced we'd be back up before the night ended, because I convinced them. This event has played the biggest part in my decision today.
Through it all, the staff has been exceptionally easy to work with and it was certainly an honor to do so. Aveline has done so much work to ensure that the forum will never be in the state it was. It's blown me away how quickly she has picked up on everything and I truly have no doubts that you are in good hands. This forum is her baby and I know she won't be letting go of it. She performed the entire migration by herself, unaided, in a very short time. She knew what she was doing when I didn't know what I was doing, which was strike 2 for my decision today. I felt even more guilty, simply because I wasn't contributing nearly enough. I gave her access to everything she needed to make all this happen, but then I just wasn't picking up my fair share of the work. Anyone who's read the post in the sad pandas thread can see my excuse for this.
The staff and I had a deep conversation that basically covered all of this in the Discord the other day, and at the time I was still in the mindset of being involved. But I just can't be anymore. Believe me when I say that I am NOT in a good state of mind lately and its been making me dangerous to myself. I have no negative feedback for any member of this forum, but being involved with it and dealing with the aforementioned stress, guilt and embarrasment has intensified the issues my wife and I have been dealing with and it needs to stop. I need to stop. Making myself log into the forum and posting has lately been a very heavy chore for me.
I love all of you, and I wish you the very best. I have completely stripped myself of power here and with the server so that no one ever has to worry about me being malicious. The members I've interacted with here over the years have been the smartest and most hard working people I've ever met. I say with 100% confidence that this turk forum is the best you'll ever find and it has been a blessing to my life. But my time has passed, and I need to get myself into a better situation. I will be leaving the Discord as well, but you can always search for my posts, click on my profile, and message me that way. I promise I will respond to anyone that reaches out.
It has been an honor.
Until we cross paths again,
Metallica
@Staff can someone remove my role in the CP? I'm not sure how it will work if I remove my own permissions to use the panel.
